Unchosen
by Spikes Bint
Summary: Spike and Buffy have to do the naughty to save the world


A/N This story is not meant to be taken seriously, I wrote it as a reaction to seeing eps 22, which was really upsetting, and I just wanted to make an alternative silly version. Wasn't sure whether it came under PG 13 or R, but I think it's a 13.  
  
Unchosen  
  
The Crypt (night)  
  
"Angel, what are you doing here?" asked Buffy.  
  
"Giles called me, said you could use my help," said Angel.  
  
"Yeah kinda in the middle of an apocalypse right now," sighed Buffy.  
  
Angel reached into his pocket, pulling out a sparkly necklace.  
  
"Ooh gifts, thanks, but not a pendant kinda girl," she giggled.  
  
Angel rolled his eyes.  
  
"It's not a gift, well maybe it is, this is the pendant of Arathmia," explained Angel.  
  
"Arthathy who-ie?" Asked Buffy.  
  
"Never mind, any way the prophecy that goes with this little baby, is that it has to be worn by an ensouled vampire, which is me," said Angel smugly.  
  
"Neat, and this will defeat the first? How does it work?" asked Buffy.  
  
"Well the ensouled vampire has to have lots of sex with his true love, and the power from it will destroy the armies of darkness.  
  
"Cool, can I have a look at it?" she asked.  
  
Angel handed it to her and she pocketed it. Angel slipped off his leather jacket and started unbuttoning his shirt.  
  
"Thanks for this, I know just who to use it with, bye see ya around," said Buffy, marching off without so much as a backward glance.  
  
"But," said Angel to the empty crypt.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Buffy hurried home as fast as her little legs could carry her. She was panting from the exertion, finally a bona fide excuse to jump Spike's bones. The annoying SITS or SHITS as she secretly called them, were practising their moves in the backyard. Giles was sitting alone in the lounge, rocking back and forth, his head in his hands.  
  
"We're all doomed," he kept repeating.  
  
"Oh that's nice," said Buffy.  
  
Dawn walked into the lounge; she glared at Buffy, and kicked her hard on the shin.  
  
"Ow," said Buffy.  
  
Buffy punched her bratty sister hard in the face.  
  
"Sorry Dawnie, it was for your own good, grow up"  
  
Buffy looked in the dining room, seeing Anya and Xander.  
  
"Hi guys, anyone see Spike or Willow?" she asked ignoring her sister's bloody nose.  
  
"Last I heard Willow was upstairs enjoying the pleasures of Kennedy's pierced tongue," said Anya helpfully.  
  
"Spike's in the basement, any leads on how to defeat this thing?" asked Xander.  
  
Buffy pulled the pendant out of her pocket.  
  
"Yeah this, Spike has to wear it and then some kind of energy comes out of it and it will destroy the first," said Buffy.  
  
"It's that simple?" asked Giles. Snapping out of his catatonic state.  
  
"Well I have to help him, I am going down to see him now, promise me no matter how bad things get down there, don't come in okay?" Other wise it won't work," said Buffy.  
  
Right, got that annoying bunch of losers off my back, thought Buffy to herself, teach them to throw me out of my own home. Buffy went into the kitchen and opened the basement door.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Buffy descended the stairs into the basement, she watched with lust filled eyes as Spike pummelled the punch bag set up for the SHITS.  
  
She looked in amazement at the picture he had taped on its surface.  
  
"Hey wasn't that the picture dawn took of me last summer?" asked Buffy.  
  
Spike quickly ripped it off the bag and stuffed it in his jeans pocket.  
  
"Oh hi, Buffy didn't expect you back so soon," said Spike guiltily.  
  
"I have found a way to defeat the first," said Buffy  
  
She handed Spike the pendant.  
  
"Nice pet, but I don't think corporeal entities go in for trashy jewelry," said Spike.  
  
"It's for you actually, you have to wear it," said Buffy.  
  
"Sod that, had enough of your kinky sex games last year thanks," said Spike trying to hand it back to her.  
  
"You have to wear it, otherwise we're all gonna die, only an ensouled vampire can wear it," said Buffy.  
  
Spike sighed, unable to refuse "Pushy" the vampire slayer anything. He placed it over his head.  
  
"Thank God I don't have a reflection, now what?" he asked.  
  
"You have to take all your clothes off," she said.  
  
"And that helps how?" he asked.  
  
Buffy ripped all her clothes off, tearing the buttons from her stylish yet affordable blouse.  
  
"We have to have sex, lots of it, that's how the pendant works, then some sort of energy shoots out of it and will destroy the evil," panted Buffy, lying down on his cot.  
  
Spike stood there, regarding her for about thirty seconds, in her naked glory.  
  
"Ok pet you're the boss," he said removing his own clothes with lightening speed.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
I hope Buffy's okay down there," said Xander anxiously.  
  
"Yeah what was all that groaning about?" asked Dawn, innocently.  
  
"Sounds like they're having sex sweetie," said Anya.  
  
"Of course they're not, that was so last season, it must be some form of ritual," said Xander.  
  
"And Caleb said you were the one who saw everything?" asked Anya.  
  
"Well not so much now," said Giles.  
  
A loud banging started up.  
  
"What do you think that is?" asked Dawn.  
  
"Sounds like a headboard hitting a wall, reminds me of the time Xander and I had sex on Spike's bed, did we change the sheets hun?" asked Anya.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Don't wanna scare you pet, but my fabulous accessory is giving off zero juice," Said Spike.  
  
"I'm not worried, just do me some more Spike," gasped Buffy.  
  
"And I look like Liz Taylor," he groaned.  
  
"We don't do this right, it's not gonna matter what you look like," she replied.  
  
Spike groaned.  
  
"What is it?" she asked anxiously.  
  
"Oh God, I think it's working," said Spike.  
  
"What the pendant?" asked Buffy  
  
"Oh yes, I'm coming, Oh what, yes the pendant," gasped Spike.  
  
"Uhh me too," breathed Buffy.  
  
Spike started to glow, the house started to shake.  
  
"Oh yeah the earth's really moving," said Spike.  
  
Buffy slipped her hand into Spike's, she looked into his face, their entwined bodies caught fire, but they couldn't feel it, as wave after wave of pleasure washed over them. Rays of pure light sprang forth from Spike's body, Buffy gasped.  
  
"I love you Spike," she said.  
  
"I love you too Buffy," he replied.  
  
"We have to get out of here, the building is collapsing," said Buffy.  
  
"No you get the others out, it's up to me to do the clean up," Said Spike.  
  
"Now's not the time to be thinking of doing the chores, besides it's Dawnie's turn," she said.  
  
"I mean it, you have to leave," said Spike as another chunk of basement ceiling fell.  
  
"You think I'm gonna leave the greatest shag of my life here to be swallowed up by the hell mouth?" she asked.  
  
Buffy punched Spike hard on the nose, knocking him out, she wrapped a sheet around herself, from the bed. And slung naked Spike over her shoulder. She ran up the basement stairs, just seconds before they collapsed.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"What the bloody hell happened?" asked Giles.  
  
"And what happened to Spike's clothing?" asked Xander  
  
"It kinda fell off, along with mine," said Buffy.  
  
Anya looked at Xander.  
  
"See told you," she said smugly.  
  
"We have to get out of here, now, said Buffy.  
  
"We only have Giles's car, there's not enough room for everyone,"  
  
"The hell mouth is collapsing, we don't have time for arguments, someone go get Willow," said Buffy.  
  
"I'll do it," said Xander.  
  
Xander ran upstairs and knocked on Willow's door.  
  
"What's happening Xander?" asked Willow.  
  
"Buffy and Spike had a sex marathon to destroy the first, we have to get out of here, before all Sunnydale collapses," said Xander.  
  
"What about Kennedy, I have to get her, she's gone out back to help train the SITS with Faith and Wood," said Willow.  
  
"Sorry there's only enough room in Giles's car for one more," said Xander.  
  
"Oh well Kennedy will never be as good as Tara, let's go," she said running down the stairs closely followed by Xander.  
  
Buffy, Spike and Anya were already in the car, Anya had shoved Dawn in the trunk, with Giles behind the wheel.  
  
"Scooch over Anya," said Xander.  
  
"Hey it's not my fault you got so fat Xander," moaned Anya.  
  
The ground shook violently, as the house next to Buffy's fell into a chasm.  
  
"Move it! " yelled Buffy to Giles.  
  
Giles floored the red sports car, the other occupants of the car turned to see the SITS come rushing out of the front door, faith and Wood followed closely.  
  
"That Bitch," said Faith, she climbed the roof of the nearby house and ran along it's tiled surface, trying to catch up with the red car, it turned the corner and Faith leapt off the building and landed in naked Spike's lap. Crushing his manlies with her fall.  
  
Spike woke, doubled up with the pain. Faith looked at him and then at Buffy.  
  
"Can see what you see in him now B, not so dumb after all," grinned Faith.  
  
She scrambled off Spike and sat in the back, half on Xander's lap.  
  
"Kinda like old times wouldn't ya say Xander?" asked Faith.  
  
"Great, we could die, and faith rallies around with the sexual innuendos," said Buffy.  
  
They all looked behind them as Sunnydale collapsed behind them, they were only inches from the hell mouth's clutches.  
  
"Hey keep your eyes on the road," said Spike to Giles.  
  
"Sorry wanted to see what everyone else was looking at," said Giles.  
  
"Move it granddad," said Spike.  
  
Buffy looked at Spike sitting in the front seat.  
  
"Spike, the sun is shining, you must have shanshued or something," said Buffy in awe.  
  
"Oh great, you mean I'm sodding human now?" he asked.  
  
"Looks like it," said Giles  
  
The car came to a screeching halt on the outskirts of Sunnydale. The occupants got out of the car, Spike scooped up a tartan travel rug from the back seat.  
  
"You mind?" he asked Giles.  
  
"Not at all, by all means keep it," stammered Giles.  
  
"Thanks mate," said Spike covering himself.  
  
The small group all shuffled towards the edge of the crater that used to be Sunnydale.  
  
"No more Hellmouth," said Buffy.  
  
"What you gonna do now B,?" asked Faith.  
  
"Don't know, but it could involve an ex vampire and a hotel room," said Buffy.  
  
"Way to go, little Miss naughty finally getting her end off," said Faith.  
  
"If I remember rightly, that's how this all started," said Giles.  
  
"The mall, you destroyed the mall, boy did I choose the wrong side," complained Dawn.  
  
"Yeah, Starbucks, toys 'r' us , all gone," said Xander sorrowfully.  
  
They all jumped as a pale hand burst forth from the rubble,  
  
"You guys thought you could get rid of me that easily?" asked Andrew.  
  
"Bleedin hell," swore Spike.  
  
Spike picked up Buffy and flung her in the car.  
  
"We're getting the hell outta here," he said flooring the car.  
  
THE END 


End file.
